Undermining Women’s Leadership: Tales from the Workplace

Representation matters. We are living in an age when much attention is rightfully paid to the question of who gets to tell the stories of marginalized and/or oppressed people, to convey their experience or advocate on issues affecting their lives. And as I was recently reminded, determining who is best suited to cultivate and amplify their leadership, matters just as much.

I was speaking with a colleague — a highly regarded coach, consultant and facilitator — who told me how glad he was to have a woman to whom he could now refer clients. He explained that with some of his female clients, he discovered that he could take the work only so far, not having personally faced the same challenges they did, when establishing his own leadership. In an expression of profound humility, he understood that despite his expertise, sometimes he had to step aside and acknowledge that there was simply someone better for the job.

Along with inspiring my admiration, his comment sparked my curiosity. I wondered: what is it that only women understand about how our leadership is undermined at work?

To be clear, I am not referring to the most egregious forms of discrimination, harassment, and abuse, or about wage disparity or underrepresentation at the highest levels of leadership, realities that are even more stark for Black women. Though some progress has been made on all these fronts — thanks to the bravery and tenacity of countless women over too many years — much work remains. In a sign of hope for a better and more equitable future, the problem has finally been widely recognized and well documented.

But how about the more subtle and insidious ways in which women’s leadership is thwarted? What are the experiences that make women reach out privately to their peers with questions like, “Am I overreacting here?” “Does this happen to you?” “How can I retain my dignity in the face of these insults?” “How do I exert my leadership when my contributions are clearly not welcome?”

Here are some of the common scenarios I’ve observed, or experienced, in which women’s agency, expertise and power are undermined and diminished in work settings.

Paternalism masquerading as “support”

Male managers or even co-workers, motivated by a desire to “help”, sometimes feel the need to protect women from handling their own challenges, preventing them from learning essential lessons about problem solving. They may rush in to offer help that hasn’t been requested, and which isn’t required. What may be intended as an act of gallantry has the effect of questioning these women’s basic ability to manage their own affairs and undermining their agency.

A compulsion to add clarifications or comments when a woman speaks

A woman articulates her point of view cogently and coherently in a meeting, only to have a man jump in to say, “What X meant was…”. Or a man feels compelled to add his own non-essential point, rather than letting the original comment just stand, and have its intended impact. Other times, the original comment may be immediately followed by a gratuitous validation (“X is totally correct!”) as though the authority of the woman speaker needs to be reinforced by a man. Ceding the space to the woman speaker is all that’s needed in the moment, but it’s a tall order for some senior colleagues.

Fundamentally different expectations of women in the workplace

Experienced male leaders are judicious in how they spend their time, and savvy in knowing what and when to delegate. They understand that their time and resources are precious and must be prioritized for strategic pursuits, rather than administrative or logistical tasks. Women leaders applying the same discipline are all too often seen as unsupportive, insensitive to the needs of the team or even as cold and uncaring. They are expected to be available for all the grunt work, even as they are charged with steering the ship.

Lack of professional boundaries

Blurring the boundaries so essential for professional success can take many forms, and the offenders may be men or women in power. Here are just a few instances, affecting younger women in particular: constant reminders of how young one is or looks, a subtle refusal to acknowledge one’s title, expertise or experience, comparisons with the daughter (or granddaughter) of one’s manager or board chair, intrusive questions and comments about one’s personal life, or even offers to find the perfect mate (I am not making this one up!).

Intolerance of emotions at work

Women can feel straitjacketed when it comes to expressing strong emotion. A woman registering discontent, let alone anger or outrage, is seldom given the same latitude as a man expressing the same feelings. While he is more likely to be seen as confident or assertive, she is often dismissed as “difficult” or “emotional”. Women who call out unfair treatment are sometimes gaslit by managers who deny the women’s lived experience. The emotional space in which women are allowed to operate can be extremely constricted. Stay silent and risk undermining your own power and agency. Speak up and you may be characterized as argumentative or emotionally overwrought. Expressing vulnerability in a work setting can be fraught with danger. Just observe what happens to female candidates for political office who dare to stop smiling!

The examples above are far from exhaustive and I anticipate hearing many more from readers. The ones I’ve highlighted are rampant in the workplace, and though younger women are particularly vulnerable to these microaggressions, older women are not immune. The impact is devastating — not only on the wellbeing of dedicated professionals, but also on the health and vibrancy of organizations robbed of their whole staff’s full range of talents.

Ironically, in many cases, those undermining women at work are not only oblivious to the harm they’ve caused, but they may also even proudly identify as feminist allies to the women in their lives. However, true allyship requires the humility to acknowledge what you do not know (like my wise colleague), a commitment to learning it, and the courage to hear feedback you may not like. I have no doubt that we all have the potential to be such allies. Women professionals — and our community’s institutions — will benefit richly.